This story is not meant to make you feel better.
If I’m being perfectly honest, it is meant to make myself
feel better. That’s right me, the lonely girl sitting in front of a laptop
screen after spending the last hour fighting back tears over an almost
relationship that ended roughly two months ago.
Why should you care? You shouldn’t and in fact if you do I’d
consider you mad, yet here we are. Strangers separated by whatever distance and
whatever people. I’m coming off cynical and I despise that, but I keep reading
recently that, “pain changes you” and even though I have been through some
rough times, never have I believed that statement to be truer than right now,
in this very place and time.
You see, despite my parents’ divorce, my less than mediocre
upbringing due to said divorce, my settling on the wrong man which subsequently
led to my very own divorce (no children involved in that one), despite all of
that, I am a very positive person who believes in love and romance. I believe
in destiny and the idea that you could meet someone who is just right for you
and when that happens you both fall into this fucking cloud of eternal bliss or
some shit.
The joke is my failed marriage came nowhere close to making
me the bitter oompa loompa I am now, no it was trying to move on and entering
the dating realm. That’s the stuff that will fucking kill you.
If you think I’m writing this from some enlightened state,
where I, after tremendous turmoil have in fact found my person and am now
living in my very own version of happily ever after, let me tell you, no I’m
very much fuckin not. I am writing this from a place of confusion, anxiety,
occasional bouts of depression, and extreme don’t give a flying fuck anymore.
I need to get all of this out of me, away from me. I need to
find a way to move on, because despite my missing this person, despite my
wanting desperately for him to come back, I truly deeply just want to go
through an entire day without thinking about him. I don’t want him to be the
reason that I completely fuck up when the next guy loses his way and finds
himself in the hurricane of me. I actually want to move past this and so I
figure I would post here my exploits of my dating misadventures and how they
got me to where I am.
Some things I will answer right off the bat to give you some
clarity on the type of crazy you can expect to get from me.
First, that almost relationship that has me all fucked up
twenty ways to Tuesday, that whole thing lasted 2 months or 9 dates. Now I know
that some of you are probably laughing at me stating that, “that is way too
short a time to be this fucking invested.” Joke’s on you fuckers, my therapist
says it’s totally normal and she even helped me admit that I even fell in love
with the fuckwad, hadn’t even occurred to me because well, I was too busy being
fucking happy. It was a bit distracting.
Second, this is purely cathartic for me. This is for me, me.
And you are just a witness here to where ever this leads. Of course I am open
to opinions and critics and what have you. I’m not stupid, this is the internet
after all and I am actively choosing to post this for the entire world to see
or you know the maybe 3 people who actually read it.
Third, I am currently still trying to date. Seeing a new guy
in fact, I’ll try to keep you posted, but my hope is pretty tapped out and I’m
just trying to keep it together.
Kinship, It’s What I Fucking Want
